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| I can't stay in Texas.
Yes, I'm having a panic attack on xanga.
Yeah, I'll regret posting this.
I just hate her so much, it's embarrassing, really. Hate is juvenile anyways. What's an adult way of saying that every time you look at someone, you want to kill yourself and take them down with you? That's crazy talk, right? I need to calm the fuck down, yeah?
I need my anxiety medication to work. It's like water that puts out a fire in my head.
What kind of crazy girl says that her head is on fire? At 8 am. When she should be in class. Except she's writing in her xanga, speaking in third person. Texting words and then erasing them on her phone. Wanting to tell D that he is saving her right now, but not wanting to sound like a psychogirl. Which, let's face it, I am.
I threw her purse into the dumpster because she threw my jacket away. I feel bad about it, but I was really mad. I've never thrown anyone's things away before. I don't ruin, trash, or otherwise damage stuff that isn't mine, usually. I was just so mad. I thought about writing her a letter to tell her that I can't possibly love her because she reminds me of Jeffery Dahmer, but that would be childish and mean. Which, let's face it, I am.
I'm not going to pretend that I'm not crying. I'm not going to pretend that I'm some strong, civil girl who never gets upset. Maybe I'm just as bad as her. She calls me cunt, cow, bitch, and idiot, and guess what? maybe she's right. Maybe I am. Maybe she, being my sister, can just see who I really am better than anyone else.
I can feel the blood flowing through my arms.
I would end this with saying "Please don't think I'm crazy," but that would be like an elephant saying, "Please don't think I'm a big, gray, African animal!"
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| To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?
I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.
I don't care if I sound pathetic, lame, or whatever. I move in 279 days and I cannot wait.
279 DAYS! ugh. Time can hurry up now.
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| Last Thursday, I went to Los Angeles, California to see D. To call it "the best weekend of my life" would be an understatement. To recap;
Thursday, we went to dinner and CVS to get band-aids [long story] Friday, we went to Huntington Beach and Universal Studios Horror Nights [Which was freakin' amazing, might I add.] Saturday, we went to the zoo too late, Olvera street, Whittier, the Santa Monica Pier, In-N-Out, the movies [Let Me In- horror movie], and Turnbull Canyon, and Sunday we actually went inside of the zoo, Hollywood, Sunset Strip, coffee with Deborah and carved a pumpkin! :D
Going TO LAX was soo intense. I was excited to the point of being obnoxious. I swear that was the longest plane ride of my life, but it was more than worth it.
Going FROM LAX was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Currently, my eyes are dry and bloodshot from crying for approximately 10 hours straight. I mean, that entire plane ride from LA to El Paso to Dallas was spent in uncontrollable sobs that didn't end until recently. I can't really even explain how I feel right now.. I miss D, I'm excited to move to CA, I miss D, I'm grateful that I got my perfect weekend, I miss D, I hate that I'm in Texas, and I miss D.
I can't even finish typing this because I'm going to cry.
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| First, I haven't had a day off of work in over TWO WEEKS. I'm exhausted. This has made me irritable, irrational, and an all around bitch. I don't even want to talk about school...
Then something pushed me over the edge of insanity.
I've been best friends with C for about five years now. We went to high school together, we did everything together-- until she moved to Oklahoma to attend Cameron. She became a completely different person, adopting habits like drug use and anorexia. She visits on holidays and we joke like we used to, tell secrets, watch movies, etc. I love her like a sister, but I'm deathly afraid of her new lifestyle. She says that all college kids get a little reckless, but she takes it too far. Her 22nd birthday was on Saturday and I took her to lunch after work. She told me stories of her broken (and horribly rushed) engagement to a man (she's a lesbian) and the stress from school. I watched her take two (non-prescribed) vicodin and then explain that it just helps her focus. I watched her refuse to eat her chipotle LETTUCE and instead "save it for later." As we were driving home, she began to cry and told me that she wants to die, but needs me to know that she loves me.
It took everything I had to remain calm. I care so- SO- much about her. She can't die, not like this. I begged her to promise never to even consider suicide. She agreed. I feel like a horrible friend. How could I let things get this far? How could I let her feel so alone? When she moves back to TX, I won't even be here. She needs me, and I'm not there for her.
I completely threw a fit when she went back to OK. I cried, yelled, pushed everyone away (including D.) I don't know how to deal with this.
I stayed in bed this morning listening to "Like a Stone" by Audioslave until I absolutely HAD to get up. I don't want to talk to my friends- I'm a fucking TERRIBLE friend.
Chris Cornell? He's my new friend. He understands me.
Don't be rude- say hi.
dskjflhsdjkhdoisfys
I just want to go to California already.
I want to be with D already.
I want to be out of school already.
This moment calls for more Audioslave.
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| She said she wanted to kill herself.
I don't know what to do.
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